Lighten up!

March 21, 2024 · 0 Comments

by BRIAN LOCKHART

This is the new age of information, where the world news is brought to you almost as it happens.

Unfortunately, not a lot of the news is good news.

“My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror.”

During pre-internet times, the news was presented in four formats – local, regional, national, and international. A story that may be big news in one region, may not even make the news in an area just a few miles away.

Even international news was never truly international. Our news feeds are very Euro-centric. How often do you hear news about what is going on in South America?

“Last week I told my psychiatrist, ‘I keep thinking about suicide.’ He said ‘from now on, I have to pay in advance.’”

However, that has all changed. News feeds provide coverage from across the nation, the continent, and the world. They pick up stories from all over just to fill the space on the screen.

“My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.”

The Canadian Press fills up the news feeds daily with stories from across the country. From murders out west to small-town council decisions in Ontario, they don’t really filter much of what is released. If it’s in their feed, it goes on the internet.

“My psychiatrist told me I’m going crazy. I said, ‘if you don’t mind, I’d like a second opinion.’ He said, ‘alright, you’re also ugly.’”

I will admit, I read a lot of the stories. Sometimes it’s interesting to find out out what Cobourg town council is up to, or how a town in Manitoba has decided to adopt a new animal for the town mascot.

“A computer once beat me at chess, but was no match for me at kick boxing.”

The disturbing thing about getting so much news from such a huge source is the fact that you realize just how much crime there is in the world.

At one time, a murder-suicide in Texas wouldn’t make the Ontario newspapers, unless it was so horrific it became national news.

“I was the kid next door’s imaginary friend.”

Now, just about every murder, mass murder, and murder-suicide that happens on the continent is on my news feed every day – and there are a lot of them.

“Half the people you know are below average.”

It can be depressing to see how often crimes of violence occur. It seems every day there are stories of multiple violent murders happening across the continent.

Top that off with the several wars that are taking place where people are dying daily and suffering in refugee camps. It certainly doesn’t make the situation seem any better.

The fact that the world seems to be gearing up for a third world war, again based in Europe, doesn’t paint a promising picture of the next 10 years.

“The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.”

World leaders must get their act together, and solve the current problems in Europe, before they head down a path that may lead to an even more catastrophic situation than the last two great wars resulted in.

“Ninety-nine per cent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.”

The news feeds, however, do provide a lot of other information. This includes everything from the best tourist get-aways, to what the Kardashians are up to.

While the Kardashian news is not something I would read, I will read the stories on popular music history or even where the best place in Ontario is to find a good hamburger.

“My wife told me the car wasn’t running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was. She told me, ‘In the lake.’”

So in contrast to the continuous stream of bad news that crosses your computer screen every day, here are some jokes, courtesy of Rodney Dangerfield, Emo Phillips, Red Skelton, and Stephen Wright.

“A clear conscience is usually a sign of a bad memory.”

Sometimes you just have to turn off the news and have a laugh.

“Last night coming home from work I saw a naked man running down my street. I yelled at him, ‘Why are you running down the street naked?”

He said, “You’re home early!”